My Word of the Year (2019) | Utah Lifestyle Blog
Hi. Hey there. Hello.
2019 is here and I honestly can’t believe that another year has flown by. I normally feel so hopeful and bright and shiny at the beginning of a new year, and while I have had glimpses of that feeling over the last week, I’ve also felt a bit more unsettled. Weird, right? I just have this feeling that 2019 is going to be life-changing, in more than one way and even though I’m excited to see what changes come, I’m also a bit nervous. Change can be hard, ya know?
But, if there’s any lesson that 2018 has taught me, it’s that sometimes, the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of change. So, I’m doing my best to mentally prepare for 2019 and accept the pain of change that’s inevitably waiting around the corner for me. Sound vague enough? Clear as mud? I’ll explain a little bit more below, but first: a brief recap on my word of 2018, which was “Me.”
I loved my word for 2018 and I’m really and truly so proud of how I tried my best to live it to the fullest extent. I wasn’t perfect at living it, but I always kept it at the back of my brain and let it guide me when making big choices (like the one to leave my corporate recruiting job!) I worked hard to prioritize my dreams and goals, to spend time doing things that made me happy, like taking watercolor painting classes and traveling across the country to spend time with my girlfriends! I worked incredibly hard to put my health first. For the first time since my cancer diagnosis 12 years ago, I consistently DID things to take care of my body. I went to the gym. I lifted weights. I made healthy eating choices (more on that here.) I am bummed that I didn’t consistently achieve a lot of the business goals I had set for myself, but I still had my best year ever running HTC and love the friendship and community it brought me.
And now, we’re sitting at the beginning of a new year and I’m ready to declare my word for the year:
I know, I know, I announced a different word last week on Instagram stories, but after thinking on it some more, I realized it wasn’t the EXACT right one. And when I asked my friends over there to share the words they had chosen and saw the word Courage, I just knew in my gut and my heart that THAT was my word. It’s everything I need and everything I want to be in 2019.
Courage is defined as: the ability to do something that frightens someone OR strength in the face of pain of grief.
Woah. My heart literally skipped a beat when I read that second definition, because of the lesson I shared above from 2018: That the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of change.
I’ve always been told I’m a strong person. I guess it comes with the territory of being a pediatric cancer survivor. I don’t always feel strong, but I do think I’ve developed a certain kind of resiliency that comes with surviving every day for 12 years. I’m proud of that. I’m proud that I continue to fight my fight every day and that it’s become something that I often don’t consciously think of or acknowledge.
But here’s the truth: I need the courage to face everything else in my life.
I’m so used to fighting the cancer survivor battle but I don’t know how to transform that courage to all the other battles and fights I face.
I’m terrified of going back to blogging full time (which is what I was going to do when I left my corporate job. And then I got scared and took a part-time job because I couldn’t find the courage to just have a go at it.) I’m afraid that I will fail. I’m afraid that people will judge me for “making money on the internet.” I’m afraid to give up a consistent income and, selfishly, the things I enjoy paying for.
I’m terrified to start new projects (like a podcast that’s been fully formed in my head for months, or the blog mentoring program that people have asked me for.) I’m afraid to make changes in my career path that might not be received well, but, deep in my heart, know are the best choices for me personally. I’m afraid to take a chance on myself.
But the biggest thing I’m afraid of? I’m terrified of trying to start our family again. If you’re new to the HTC community, Dustin and I suffered a miscarriage in November of 2017 and it. was. devastating. It rocked my world. It broke me. It was a new kind of pain that I had never experience before and caused me to crawl inside a hole that I had a very, very hard time clawing myself out of. Last year, we went through phases of starting to try again and then stopping after the first or second failed attempt. I simply could not handle the anxiety of it all. I could not handle the anxiety of the waiting to find out if we were pregnant and I couldn’t handle the anxiety of wondering if we would experience another miscarriage if we were. In the middle of trying, I watched as my Facebook feed filled with terrifying accounts from perfectly healthy friends coming close to dying during childbirth, and in one case, actually dying during birth. My body (as amazing as it is) has already been put through the ringer with the cancer thing and I found myself up at night, wondering if having a child would kill me, too.
I was having panic attacks every day for two weeks while waiting for my period to come and taking 2-3 pregnancy tests a day up to a week before my missed period because I just needed to know what was happening inside of me. I was afraid of a positive pregnancy test, even though I wanted one. And then, I couldn’t handle the heartbreak when we realized we were not pregnant and the absolute terror at the thought that maybe cancer had messed with my body in a way that the only pregnancy I’ll have is the one I lost. I would stay in bed for days at a time, mindlessly watching HGTV and numbing myself to everything. I was going insane.
We decided to take a break from trying before the holidays so I could my feet back under me and come up with a plan so that I can enter 2019 with the hope and joy of growing our family instead of fear and dread and anxiety. Dustin deserves to be a dad. Teddy and Rosie deserve to have a little person to love and protect. My siblings deserve a nice or nephew and my parents deserve a grandchild. I want to join all of my friends who are pregnant or who have had their first baby already and who I feel so disconnected from (at no fault of their own.) I need to put a plan of action into place and find some courage to face all these fears so I can try again.
So. 2019. A year of courage:
Courage to stand up for myself in all kinds of settings (social & professional.)
Courage to go back to therapy and to get the help I need to move forward
Courage to start my podcast
Courage to work hard on my business, despite my fears of failing
Courage to try for a baby again
Courage to stand up for what I believe to be right
So. Here we go. Might as well start right now and find the courage to hit publish on this post (cause this one was a doozy to write.)
Let the year of courage begin.