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Hey There, Chelsie

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Cancer

5 Ways I’m Coping with my Survivor’s Guilt

About a year and a half I opened up about something that I rarely had talked to anyone about before: dealing with survivor’s guilt and anxiety. It was a really hard post for me to write, but it was therapeutic as well. I finally felt like I was in a place in life where I could openly admit that I was dealing with those things and that there was no need to be ashamed of them.

Last March, I opened up again and talked about how cancer complicates my birthday. For the last nine years, I have had a really hard time wanting to celebrate my birthday because the survivor’s guilt was so heavy. I would find myself in a deep depression during the month of March and last year was specifically really hard because Maddie would have been turning 18. It was one of the roughest months of my life post-cancer and mentally, I wasn’t in a safe place.

I had hit my breaking point and during a tear-filled evening in the arms of my husband, I told him I needed help. I needed to get my anxiety, my PTSD, my depression, and my survivor’s guilt under control because I was drowning. I couldn’t keep my head above the water anymore and I was terrified. So, I embarked on a new journey to learn coping techniques and strategies so I could carry the weight of it all a bit easier.

Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional and do not claim that THIS is the only way to deal with survivor’s guilt. I am sharing my own experiences and what helps me. Please seek a professional opinion if you need help dealing with survivor’s guilt or PTSD (because that is what I did!)

Five Ways to Cope with Survivor's Guilt // As a 10 year pediatric cancer survivor, I've dealt with survivor's guilt for as long as I can remember. I've decided that I was done letting it drag me down, so here are five ways I've been coping with it. // Hey There, Chelsie

5 Ways to Cope with Survivor’s Guilt

[Read more…] about 5 Ways I’m Coping with my Survivor’s Guilt

How Cancer Complicates Birthdays

Sorry for the heavy post today. I just had to get it out.

How cancer complicates birthdays. // www.heytherechelsie.com

I was one of the oldest kids on my hospital floor during the year of my chemotherapy treatment. My nurses and doctors kind of choose me to be the “welcome to cancer floor” ambassador because of my age. I didn’t mind it at all; I was honored to be the roommate that they choose for new kids to talk to and hoped I could help by answering their questions about treatment and medicine and Make-a-Wish.

That’s how I met Maddie. They put her in my room during her first chemotherapy and asked if I would chat with her and answer any of her questions. I think she might have been a little freaked out about me at first. I mean, I was bald and had lost my eyebrows at that point, so I looked a little freaky. But, she talked to me and asked me questions about hair loss and surgery. In an effort to cheer her up, I told her all about Make-A-Wish; how she could make a wish for whatever she wanted and the kind folks would grant it.

After I went back to my side of the room to get some rest (#chemoproblems), Maddie’s mom asked her what she would wish for. And without missing a beat, Maddie said:

“For my new friend, Chelsie, to get better.”

Maddie would be turning 18 this month. Maddie should be turning 18 this month.

I don’t know why, but her 18th birthday feels heavier than most. I can’t believe that it’s been 10 years since I was sharing a room with her, 10 years since she taught me one of the greatest lessons of my life: to give fully and without a second thought. I often think about what she would have been like at 18; I’m sure she would have been sassy and spunky as ever. I wonder where she would be going to college. I wonder what she would want to study. I wonder if she would have had her first boyfriend by now. And there are some days where I feel insurmountable guilt that I got to go to college and study a subject and have a (permanent) boyfriend and she never did. Guilty for having this beautiful life and for taking it for granted far too often.

Ten days after Maddie’s birthday, I celebrate my own. I’ll be 26 this year. 10 years ago my mom was threatening my doctors, saying that she was going to take me home for my sweet 16 birthday party, whether they wanted me to go or not. 10 years ago, I was hoping that Jordan Ward would show up at my birthday party and that I could stomach my birthday cake. 10 years ago, I still had two good legs because they hadn’t removed my tumor yet. I still knew what it was like to walk up and down the stairs without it hurting. 10 years ago, I was turning 16 and I was in the middle of my battle.

16th Birthday Party // www.heytherechelsie.com

16th Birthday Cake

It’s hard for me to want to celebrate my birthday because I first have to accept that Maddie doesn’t get to have one. Cancer seems to complicate everything, even 10 years later. Cancer complicates birthdays. But I know that’s not what she wants for me. Maddie got her wish and I got better. So, I choose to celebrate Maddie’s life in March by working hard to appreciate and celebrate my own. We go out to eat more because it’s my birthday month. I buy myself more things because it’s my birthday month. I allow myself that afternoon nap because it’s my birthday month. I have to make a big deal about my birthday because I have two lives to celebrate. Mine. And Maddie’s. A forever 10-year-old little girl who was big enough to wish for my life instead of a puppy or a trip. A forever 10-year-old little girl who has permanently changed my life in all the best ways, forever.

I saw the heart rock the other day, Maddie. I know you’re always looking out for me. I’m trying my hardest to celebrate 26 for you this year. I’m doing my best. 

 

 

Edgy Valentine’s Day #ootd & Loving Myself

I’ve been really experimenting with my personal style recently, trying to build a wardrobe that is 100% ME and filling it with things that I feel confident and beautiful in. At the same time, I’m still trying to push myself outside of my comfort zone and find new things to wear that help me embrace my body: scars and all. So, with my hot V-day date night approaching, I got to work trying to figure out what my Valentine’s Day #ootd would be

If you were to tell me this time last year that I would be comfortable wearing liquid leather leggings, I would have laughed and said something like: “Have you seen the shape of my left knee? There’s no way that ugly thing would look good in a pair of tight leather leggings.” That’s how the last 10 years of my life have been: making fun of my body and saying mean things about myself.

Edgy Valentine's Day Style Inspiration: floral peplum top paired with liquid leggings and heeled boots to create the perfect combination of feminine and edgy for your hot Valentine's Day date // Hey There Chelsie

I’m still working on loving myself and there are still days where I still feel so betrayed by my body and hate it, but, I am happy to say that I’m making progress. How do I know? I bought myself a pair of liquid leggings last month and decided I would wear them at least once, no matter how my left knee looked in it. Guess what? It doesn’t look too bad! And putting those leggings on not only made me feel super kick-a, but they also helped me take a little bit of my life back from my insecurities.

Edgy Valentine's Day Style Inspiration: floral peplum top paired with liquid leggings and heeled boots to create the perfect combination of feminine and edgy for your hot Valentine's Day date // Hey There Chelsie

Edgy Valentine's Day Style Inspiration: floral peplum top paired with liquid leggings and heeled boots to create the perfect combination of feminine and edgy for your hot Valentine's Day date // Hey There Chelsie

The Details:

Top: Burlington Coat Factory similar here

Leggings: Charlotte Ruse found here

Boots: Maurices similar here

Necklace: gifted

Clutch: River Island c/o Jenn from HelloRigby

Valentine's Day #ootd2

Edgy Valentine's Day Style Inspiration: floral peplum top paired with liquid leggings and heeled boots to create the perfect combination of feminine and edgy for your hot Valentine's Day date // Hey There Chelsie

I love dressing up for Valentine’s Day for my husband, but this year, I wanted to get dressed up for me, as well. This may not be a typical Valentine’s Day outfit, (it’s definitely on the edgy side) but I love that I am learning to embrace my flaws and rock clothes that I most definitely would have shied away from before.

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: What Valentine’s Day Means to Me

I guess I am learning that I can view my body in one of two ways: I can either view it as the thing that betrayed me and wanted me to die, or I can view it as the thing that fought so hard and allowed me to survive. It’s a daily constant battle, but this weekend, on Valentine’s Day, I’m going to put it all aside and love myself.

Because when I’m loving myself, I’m able to put my best foot forward in all other aspects of my life, too.

What do you think of this edgy Valentine’s Day ensemble? What things could you do to help love yourself better?

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Cancer through the Eyes of my Sister

We made it to Arizona in one piece and with only a few minor setbacks on Thursday and have been unpacking and settling in since. We’ll be getting internet installed tomorrow and I’m so excited to be able to get back to blogging. Today, my youngest sister, Katie, who has guest posted here before, is taking over again. A couple weeks ago, when I wrote this post about survivor’s guilt, Katie and I got to talking about how my cancer had affected her (she was 10 when I was diagnosed). We had a very long and beautiful heart-to-heart and I felt like the things she had to say were so important that I asked her to share them here. September is Childhood Cancer Awareness month and while it is important to raise awareness about pediatric cancer, it is also important to understand and raise awareness on how cancer affects siblings. 

Cancer through the eyes of my Sister // Life with Rosie

I know Chelsie has shared her cancer story, and I hope it has inspired and touched the hearts of many people as it has mine. But I am going to tell my side of the story, and the lessons I learned from my sister having cancer.

An average 10 year old usually has to worry about getting through the 4th grade, learning cursive, and memorizing their times table. But when I was 10, I ended up worrying about a lot more. I worried about having macaroni and cheese for the 7th night in a row, asking my parents for money for field trips or school lunches, trying to keep my family happy, and my sister dying.

[Read more…] about Cancer through the Eyes of my Sister

Life After Cancer: Anxiety & Survivor’s Guilt

I’ve been debating sharing this post for the last week because it’s super personal and it’s raw and real and not entirely happy. However, it’s been very therapeutic for me to write this out and after reading this post from Summer, I realized that I could be brave, too, and share what’s been happening in my life lately.

Life After Cancer: Anxiety & Survivor's Guilt // Life with Rosie

Two weeks ago, I went down to Boston to see my Oncology team at Dana Farber (If you’re new here and need some catching up on my story, you can read about my cancer here, here, here and here). I had various tests, scans, x-rays and blood work done to check on my remission status. And I was officially declared 9 years in remission. My doctor said when I hit 10 years, I will officially be considered “cured.” And although that news is wonderful, there is a lot of things that have transpired during that day that makes it all bittersweet.

When I walked out of the hospital from my last dose of chemotherapy back in 2006, I was ready to never look back. I wanted to get my life back, to get back to normal high school drama and worry about what I was going to wear. I walked out of Boston Children’s Hospital, grateful to be alive and planning on never looking back. For the next few years, cancer was still very much a part of my life in the way that I still had health issues and more knee surgeries, but I dubbed them as “knee problems” and not “cancer problems.” As far as I was concerned, I was ready for my life after cancer.

[Read more…] about Life After Cancer: Anxiety & Survivor’s Guilt

11 Lessons Learned from Cancer

My Timehop has been full of Facebook posts and pictures from nine years ago when I was in the middle of my fight with Osteosarcoma. It’s crazy to look back at those photos and to realize how sick I truly was. Being nine years in remission now, it’s easy to kind of forget the details of that time and to block out the more unpleasant parts of my illness. But, looking back at those photos of 16-year-old-me, I can’t help but think about where I was and what I was going through and how much I wish I could go back in time and tell her that everything is going to work out.

11 Lessons Learned from Cancer. A list of things I learned while fighting cancer when I was 16 years old that I still carry with me now // Life with Rosie

I’ve been thinking about what I would want her to know; what lessons I learned from cancer. Nine years later, here are the things that I still think about, still carry with me and would want my 16-year-old self to know.

1. People will want to get your gifts because they don’t know what else to do. You’ll get a lot of lotion and stuffed animals and it will seem a little ridiculous at first because how are lotions and stuffed animals supposed to help you fight cancer? But you will fall asleep every night in a bed covered in stuffed animals and feel so loved and protected by them and the people who gave them to you that it will all make sense in the end.

2. You will miss being able to do the dishes. You never realized how much you took for granted being able to stand at the sink and wash the dishes and you will give anything to be able to do that simple chore again. Be grateful you can wash the dishes and that you can walk down the driveway to get the mail.

3. The kindness of strangers will amaze you. Your holidays spent in the hospital will be some of your fondest memories because of the generosity shown to you by volunteers and donations. Your parents will rarely have to pay for their parking garage tickets. You will watch people show up randomly to mow your lawn and have meals brought to your door. Your siblings will be taken on vacation just to escape from the hell in your home. People you don’t even know will send you cards and gifts and prayers for you.

4. Hair is just an accessory. It will suck to lose it, but it will force you to let your personality shine through everything you were hiding behind before. Without your hair, you will discover parts of yourself you didn’t know about. It will be hard and your self-confidence will be shaken, but you will learn that long hair and eyelashes are not necessary for making friends.

5. That being said, it’s okay to be excited when your hair does grow back. And it’s okay to take extra good care of it and to enjoy experimenting and playing with it. You know what it’s like to be without it and to never take it for granted again. Just don’t get caught up in looks and remember how important your personality is!

6. Friends will be very supportive of you until they aren’t. Try to understand. They simply cannot fathom or understand the kind of emotional turmoil and complications that arise from fighting cancer. You’ll learn who your real friends are very fast because they will still be around when the last chemotherapy treatment is administered.

7. Learn to stand up for your body. It’s fighting the biggest fight of its life and you have to take care of it so it can do that. Be good to it, even after the chemo is over. Eat well. Do your physical therapy. Say no to activities that will risk your knee getting hurt, but don’t limit yourself to not being active.

8. You will appreciate your mother more than you ever thought possible. She will be by your side every night, let you throw yourself pity parties for five minutes every day and then help you pull up your bootstraps and be a survivor. She will watch all the movies in the world with you, crochet you a blanket, read your school books with you and stand up for you to your doctors, your school and your friends when you need it. She will become your biggest cheerleader and your best friend along the way.

9. You will get to choose how cancer defines you. You can be someone who will forever be bitter or someone who can’t move on from it. You can choose to let it be a part of your definition or you can choose to let it completely define you. You can choose to never talk about it, or you can choose to talk about it too freely. Find the balance and let it define the best parts of you.

10. Survivor’s guilt is real. And it is painful. And you will never truly learn how to cope with it or deal with it. You will forever be haunted by the 15 children you watch loose their battle on your floor. There are days it will completely immobilize you. That’s okay. Just try your best.

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: Life After Cancer: Anxiety & Survivor’s Guilt

11. Never be ashamed of your scars. Never be afraid to tell parts of your story. Never be afraid to stand up and raise awareness for those you loved and lost and those who fight the same battle as you. Be proud of your body and the things it has overcome. Be proud to be a survivor!

Have you had a significant health obstacle to overcome? What lessons have you learned from it? If you could go back, what would you want to tell yourself?

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: Dear 16-Year-Old-Me: A letter to a girl fighting pediatric cancer

Be Proud of Your Scars – eShakti

Many thanks to eShakti for sponsoring this post! I received a free product in exchange for my honest opinion.

I finished my last chemotherapy treatment on October 16th, 2007, three months after my junior year of high school started. After undergoing inpatient treatments for the better part of a year, I was excited to have my hair grow back and regain a bit of normalcy in my life. I soon realized that there was no going back to “normal” after cancer. My whole life had been altered with this one word, this one tumor that had changed who I was and who I wanted to become. I’m not going to lie, going back to “real life” was much harder then I thought. I constantly was looking over my shoulder, expecting for my cancer to come back. I was struggling with constant knee pain and a limp and an immune system with the capacity of a teaspoon. I was trying to wrap my mind around survivors guilt as I watched my friends on my floor loose their battles. On top of that my friends seemed to think that I needed to treat cancer like I had stubbed my toe and that now it was over, I should move on and never talk about it again.

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Before I knew it, I was being pushed away by friends who I had considered close and special. One of my best friends in high school simply stopped talking to me one day without any explanation – someone told me he was tired of my cancer talk. Another “friend” claimed that I limped down the hall just to get attention. Ouch. I started to become ashamed of my cancer, of my limp and of my short hair. I was embarrassed to wear anything that would show off my left leg and would prompt people to ask why it was so scared and misshapen. My senior year, I had to undergo another knee surgery to try to prevent the need for a knee replacement and I was mortified that I would have to be in a wheelchair for a month and so worried about what my “friends” would start saying.

I learned to hide everything about my experiences and to hide my scars. I was ashamed and embarrassed about what happened to me and when I moved to Idaho to go to school, I refused to talk about what was wrong with my knee and why I was in a brace. I decided that no one would know my past so that no one could hold it against me.

How many times are we made to feel like this? How many times do we undergo a traumatic or damaging event and are made to feel like we should be ashamed of it? How many times has my voice been silenced because I was too afraid to speak up for myself and in turn, others?

After a semester at school and finding true friends, I slowly began to let my walls down and open up about what happened to my leg. I realized that I could relate to so many others in my community who understood what I went through in one way or another. It took a while, but I began to find a balance between being open about my cancer without going overboard with information. I began to feel empowered by my scars.

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Now, after 5 surgeries, one knee replacement and almost 8 years later, I have learned to be proud of my scars. I have learned the importance of loving my body and the miracles that have allowed me to keep my left leg! I may be scarred, but I am standing on two legs.

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I am not afraid to wear things that show off my left leg because I’m not afraid to answer questions about it. I have realized that my left knee has become an opportunity to educate those around me about pediatric cancer. I can be an advocate for those who are still fighting and a voice for my friends who have lost my battle.

I was so excited when eShakti reached out to me and offered to send me a dress this summer because I have finally become comfortable wearing things that show off my leg! Lemme tell you, dress shopping for me is a miserable experience because: 1. I am so tall, so all dresses are way too short on me and 2. I’m bigger in the bust, so I usually need a large to accommodate that, but my waist is a size medium, so finding a dress that fits both parts of my body correctly is a nightmare! The amazing thing about eShakti is that you send them your body measurements and they will customize the dress to your body! After sending them my measurements and requesting that the dress length was taken to my knees and making sure I could keep the pockets, I received the perfect dress that fit my body! I seriously cannot get over how easy it was to finally get a dress that fit, didn’t give the world a view of my bootay and show off my scar! I am totally ordering another dress next month!

eShakti review. Learning how to be proud of my scars by wearing this beautiful and custom tailored dress // Life with Rosie

 

eShakti dress review! Learning to be proud of my scars by wearing this beautiful customized dress! // Life with Rosie

Be proud of your scars and your journey. Don’t let anyone make you feel ashamed for what may have happened to you. Show off your battle wounds. You are not scarred. You are a tiger who has earned her stripes.

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What scars do you have? Do you show them off? Have you tried eShakti?

I’m 25 Years Old and I have Handicapped Parking

I'm 25 Years Old and I have handicap parking. You cannot see my disability right away, which does not mean you have the right to call me out and accuse me of faking it! // Hey There Chelsie

Last November, Dustin and I stopped by our local Petsmart to pick up a Christmas present for Rosie. We had just come from a beautiful morning wedding ceremony for some good friends and were running some errands before heading to the evening reception. After picking out the biggest antler chew the store could offer, we made our way back to the car. As we started getting in, a man who was walking by us yelled in a nasty tone: “ARE YOU REALLY HANDICAPPED?” and shook his head muttering “Disgusting.” Dustin just about ripped his head off, yelling that the guy had no idea what I had been through and he had no right to judge us. Not going to lie; it ruined our afternoon.

This is not the first time this has happened to me. Last summer as I got out of my car on campus, a lady who was sitting near by on a bench asked: “Excuse me, I know this isn’t any of my business, but are you really handicapped?” I stared at her in shock before sputtering out: “Well, yeah, I have a total left knee replacement and I’m a cancer survivor!” She was so surprised by my answer and muttered a “sorry” as I stormed away.

I am often blind-sided by these people who assume and accuse me of abusing my great-grandmother’s handicapped pass and taking away parking from other, more deserving handicapped people. I never am prepared to respond. I even offered to show a cop who stopped me in the mall parking lot my 16 inch scar on my leg so that he would believe that I actually qualified for the pass instead of telling him: “It’s kind of unprofessional of you to ask me why I’m handicapped!”

I'm 25 Years old and have Handicapped Parking, Yes, I qualify. // Life with Rosie

It’s really hard to be accosted by ignorant people every time I park my car. I see the way people look at me when I get out of my car to go to Walmart; I see the disgusted looks and the way people judge me the second I start walking away. It is so hard to not let that get me down. I have to remind myself that they don’t know; they don’t understand and that it is a good thing they look at me like that because I look so healthy now. I mean, no one looked at me like that when I was 16 and my mom was helping me out of the car with my bald head and a 25 pound cast on my leg. I look normal to all of the people who pass me by in the parking lot and they don’t understand why I get to park in the “old folks” spot.

At times, I want to scream at them, to tell them that I am 25 years old with a total left knee replacement and donor bone and that I am in some kind of pain or discomfort with every step I take, even if they can’t visibly see it. But, I have learned to let it roll of my back. My handicapped parking spot is a safety measure in place to keep me on my feet; to make sure I don’t fall in the icy parking lots of Idaho and break my hardware. It is to ensure that I don’t have to make the trek through the rows of cars on bad knee days when my pain levels are higher then normal. It is there to protect me and to help me and that is what is most important.

And I have learned from my parking experiences. I have learned that everyone is fighting their own battles and they are not all visible. I have learned to view people differently; to try harder not to jump to conclusions, to try to give them the benefit of the doubt. And I have learned to not apologize for my scars; to stand up for myself and to educate others who don’t think it’s possible for a 25 year old to qualify for handicapped parking.

So yes, ignorant man in the Petsmart parking lot who feels like it is his job to judge me and call me out for my chosen parking spot, I do have a disability that qualifies me for the pass. And when you yell at me like that, I consider it a form of bullying and I will not accept it anymore. You will not make me feel ashamed for my scars.

I am powerful, despite my injuries.

I am powerful despite my injuries // Life with Rosie

Do you have an invisible illness or disability? What are some of the things you struggle with?

 

On Losing my Hair and Growing it Back


Even though I had gone through my first round of chemo, had dropped 20 pounds in a week and ended up back in the hospital for a hydration transfusion because my sodium levels had dropped drastically, it was still hard for me to believe I had cancer. Sure, I was a little skinnier and super pale, but anyone who saw me passing by wouldn’t know about the war raging in my body and the six inch tumor I named Ricardo growing in my leg. I still looked like a regular 15 year old girl, granted a little bit of a rebel one, because of the bright red hair.

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I died my hair fire engine red the day after I was diagnosed. My “last hurrah” before it all came out, although it was hard to believe that would actually happen. Two weeks later, the tell tale signs of shedding had begun and before I knew it, I found myself sitting at my hairdresser’s booth, a huge bald spot at the top of my head and getting ready for the rest of it to come off. It was only then, with a shiny bald head, did I realize I really had cancer. I really was sick. And, I really needed to prepare to fight for my life.

Pura'Dor Shampoo Regrowth Review // Life with Rosie Blog

Fast forward nine years later, post chemo, and I’ve got a head of hair again! While I’m so grateful to have my hair back, chemo certainly did a number on it. My eyelashes grew in at funny angles, my eyebrows came in patchy and my hair grew back three shades darker, thinner and more brittle. It seems to dry out faster and I have constant snarls and split ends; way more then my pre-chemo hair. Granted, it probably didn’t help that I started dying it a few months after it started coming back in, but I finally had hair to play with again, so I couldn’t help myself. It also has problems getting past a specific length; once it hits below my shoulders, it just seems to stop growing.

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I have tried a slew of products to try and keep my hair strong and healthy, some with success, others with none. I was really excited when Pura’dor offered to send me their Premium Organic Argan Oil Based Hair Loss Prevention shampoo, conditioner and their
Pure and Organic Argan Oil. I’ve seen them on Amazon before (they are number one rated there) and love their respect for nature and animals; plus anything that might help me regain some thickness in my hair is something for me to try!

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The shampoo is sulfate free, so it doesn’t soap up like traditional drugstore shampoo. That threw me off a little at first; I felt like I had to use a ton to clean my hair thoroughly. However, the shampoo has 12 DHT Blockers (DHT is the hormone that causes hair loss) so it helps grow thicker hair and reduce shedding! The conditioner is lavender vanilla scented and smells so heavenly and adds shine and volume. After getting used to the lack of bubbles and using the pair for a while, I can honestly say that I have seen a difference in thickness in my hair. I definitely notice a difference in the overall shine and health of it, as well. It’s not immediately noticeable yet, but it’s there and that brings me hope! I’m sure with more time, there will be more results!

The Pure Organic Argan Oil is great for skin and I’ve been using it on my face for the last weeks after having a major break out. I rubbed some in over the trouble areas and literally, the next day, my skin was almost back to normal. I couldn’t believe it. Chemo caused a lot of damage to my immune system and my ability to heal at a normal rate, so it usually take twice as long as normal for my skin to heal from break outs. Basically, I am convinced that this Argan Oil is a miracle worker!

If you are looking for an organic solution to skin health and/or hair growth, I highly recommend Pura’dor! They ship anywhere in the continental U.S. for free!

Thank you to Pura’dor for sponsoring today’s post, powered by Brand Backer!

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