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Today is my 32nd birthday and if there’s anythin Today is my 32nd birthday and if there’s anything I’ve learned in my last year that I want to take with me into this year, it’s this:

I make my own magic 🪄

I am capable of creating, crafting, and designing this next chapter of life to be whatever I want. Infertility cannot stop me anymore. And I can’t wait.

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #harrypotterworldorlando #birthdaywish #lifeafterinfertility #childlessnotbychoice #ttccommunity #lifeaftermiscarriage
Happy birthday to my ride-or-die and bff for life Happy birthday to my ride-or-die and bff for life @ericaligenza. To have her in your life means you have the most loyal, inspiring, and generous friend that you would ever ask for. I can’t believe that this little app brought us together (with our girl @blondeandambitiousblog) so many years ago. Grateful that they both turned out to be real people (lol) and women who have held me up during the hardest times of my adult life. 

Hope you have the best day, E! Counting down the days until we are together again! ❤️

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #friendsforkeeps #instagramfriends #marchbirthday #friendshipbracelets #bffgoals👭
We fix each other’s crowns instead of pointing o We fix each other’s crowns instead of pointing out they are crooked. 👑 

To the women to always have my back, who inspire me daily to level up, who cry with me, who cheer me on, who save a seat at the table for me, and who keep fighting the good fight - I love you. You keep my world vibrant, and keep me going on my hardest days. 

Happy International Women’s Day!

#womensmonth #internationalwomensday #girlganggoals #girlgangs #womenhelpingwomen #squad❤️
2021 felt like a dumpster fire that burned out of 2021 felt like a dumpster fire that burned out of control about 90% of the time. Between a cancer scare that resulted in countless scans and blood tests, failed infertility treatments that broke our hearts every time, no matter how much we tried not to get our hopes up, and then the devastating blow that I needed to have a total hysterectomy and thus ending any hopes we had of starting our family - I felt like my life and my hopes and my dreams for our future had been reduced to a pile of ash. 

It feels surreal, to be starting the new year feeling so grateful for where 2021 left me. For the first time in four years, I have energy, motivation, and can actually get out of bed without being in extreme pain. I can actually think beyond the next 24 hours and make plans that I can follow through on. My life doesn’t revolve around iron transfusions, cycle tracking, or the anxiety that comes with the two week wait. 

What’s been even more surreal is to be able to say that I have been finding more acceptance and purpose in our new childless future and life. If I can’t have the life I planned on, then I’m going to live the hell out of the life I have instead. Dustin and I are rebuilding our futures both separately and together, and for the first time in four years, I’m excited to see what comes next for us. I feel more steady in this new life and more sure of the path we’re on then ever before. 

For in order to rise from its own ashes, 
A phoenix must first burn. 

2021 burned me. 
So I’m 2022, I will rise. 

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #childlessnotbychoice #childlessafterinfertility #lifeafterinfertility #findingpurpose #ttccommunity #infertilityawareness #jamaicavacation #wordoftheyear #ttcsupport
Endlessly grateful for being 6 weeks post op from Endlessly grateful for being 6 weeks post op from my total hysterectomy and feeling more like myself than I have in over a year. And I’m endlessly grateful for this guy - who has been my rock through every doctor’s appointment, every procedure, and every day I couldn’t get out of bed. Not only that, he is the sweetest, most tender uncle to our nieces that I could ever hope or ask for to share our girls with.
Just grateful for my health and my love and the hope for better days.

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #ttccommunity #hysterectomy #hysterectomyrecovery #ttcjourney #husbandwife #ttcsupport #infertilitysucks
You are the keeper of all my secrets, the guardian You are the keeper of all my secrets, the guardian against all my fears, and the safe place I call home. 

Grateful to have you by my side as we walk into an unknown future that neither of us were prepared to face. But every day we walk further down our new road, I find more solid footing and more hope for what’s to come, because you keep me grounded through the waves of grief.

I love you. ❤️

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #hysterectomy #childlessnotbychoice #ttccommunity #childless #adenomyosis #ttcjourney #infertilityawareness
I’m officially three weeks post hysterectomy tod I’m officially three weeks post hysterectomy today and was feeling well enough to shoot the holiday campaign photos for @shopmscb (with the help from my partner in crime, @kenzie_peach)

In fact, I told my surgeon last week at my first post-op appointment that I’m actually feeling the best I’ve felt ALL year. And I mean, that’s saying something since I was only two weeks post-op then, right? 

Even though the decision to go through with the hysterectomy felt impossibly hard to make, I know now that I made the right choice for me, my sanity, and my body. I feel more like me in the last week than I have in over a year. It’s like I’m waking up from a long, painful, dark hibernation and my world is starting to fill with vibrant colors again.

And even though I’m still sad it had to come to this, I am also feeling excited for what’s to come.

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #hysterectomy #hysterectomyrecovery #childlessnotbychoice #ttccommunity #infertilityawareness #infertilitywarrior #ttccommunity
There’s been a little more laughter in our home There’s been a little more laughter in our home lately. Snuggles and kisses and staying up way too late watching Netflix. It’s like the worst is behind us and we’re on the other side of what we’ve been dreading and the darkness that has covered us for so long is starting to lift. It doesn’t mean we’re 100% okay, but we can feel the light and the hope for the future and we’re choosing to face it hand-in-hand, together. 

And every night, you whisper to me: “This isn’t your fault. You’re my best friend. I love you more today than ever before. We’re going to live a beautiful life together.” And every night, we grow a little bit closer and our hearts mend a little more, and I know deep in my bones, that we’re going to be okay.

I love you, Dustin.

#ttccommunity #ttcjourney #hysterectomy #childfreenotbychoice #childfreeafterinfertility #infertilityawareness #infertilitysucks #healingafterinfertility

Hey There, Chelsie

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Cancer

5 Ways I’m Coping with my Survivor’s Guilt

About a year and a half I opened up about something that I rarely had talked to anyone about before: dealing with survivor’s guilt and anxiety. It was a really hard post for me to write, but it was therapeutic as well. I finally felt like I was in a place in life where I could openly admit that I was dealing with those things and that there was no need to be ashamed of them.

Last March, I opened up again and talked about how cancer complicates my birthday. For the last nine years, I have had a really hard time wanting to celebrate my birthday because the survivor’s guilt was so heavy. I would find myself in a deep depression during the month of March and last year was specifically really hard because Maddie would have been turning 18. It was one of the roughest months of my life post-cancer and mentally, I wasn’t in a safe place.

I had hit my breaking point and during a tear-filled evening in the arms of my husband, I told him I needed help. I needed to get my anxiety, my PTSD, my depression, and my survivor’s guilt under control because I was drowning. I couldn’t keep my head above the water anymore and I was terrified. So, I embarked on a new journey to learn coping techniques and strategies so I could carry the weight of it all a bit easier.

Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional and do not claim that THIS is the only way to deal with survivor’s guilt. I am sharing my own experiences and what helps me. Please seek a professional opinion if you need help dealing with survivor’s guilt or PTSD (because that is what I did!)

Five Ways to Cope with Survivor's Guilt // As a 10 year pediatric cancer survivor, I've dealt with survivor's guilt for as long as I can remember. I've decided that I was done letting it drag me down, so here are five ways I've been coping with it. // Hey There, Chelsie

5 Ways to Cope with Survivor’s Guilt

One. I’m allowing myself to talk about it more. Before, I would refuse to talk about how I was feeling because I was afraid that others would think I was looking for attention. I was traumatized by my time in high school where I would be bullied for talking about cancer and didn’t feel safe opening up about it unless it was to my best friend or husband. Over the last year, I’ve realized that I’ve surrounded myself with people who really care about me and how I am feeling. They won’t shame me or make me feel bad for talking about something traumatic, even if it happened 10 years ago. I’ve also felt so much support from the community at HTC and feel like I can be more open and honest on my blog and not be shamed.

This year, as March rolled around and my birthday approached, I tried to be more open to everyone about how I was feeling.  And, more importantly, I talked about Maddy more. I wanted my friends and family to know her, to appreciate her, and to remember her. Knowing that she was being celebrated helped me cope with the guilt of being alive. It opened my eyes up to  – that I can help make sure that she is remembered and celebrated by those who have never met her.

Maddie’s birthday is always hard for me, as it’s 10 days before mine. This year, however, we found out that our final counteroffer on the house had been accepted on Maddie’s birthday. It was a tender mercy and it felt like a little hug from her and gave me the push to keep my head up high.

Two. I’m staying busy. I mean, we were in the middle of buying our house (which was the biggest nightmare of a process) so that definitely kept me busy and distracted. But on top of that, I filled my weekends with family dinners, shopping, reading, and taking Rosie and Cooper out for adventures. And now that we’re in the house, I make sure that I am tackling at least one “to-do” from our never-ending list when my afternoons slow down. 

It’s really hard for me to want to stay busy because I get really tired and worn down quickly. But, I have found that it’s really easy for me to find myself slipping back into destructive thoughts and habits when I spend too much time sitting in front of the tv or just laying on the bed. The busier I am, the easier it is for me to feel accomplished and successful.

Three. I went back to work.  I actually have a whole post in drafts talking about why I decided to go back to work after working on my blog full time for almost two years. Managing my survivor’s guilt and anxiety was a big part of that decision. I needed a reason to get up in the mornings and I needed something to get me out of the house. I decided to only go back to work part-time so that I could continue to work on my blog, and while the adjustment has been rough, it’s been on of the best things I could have done for myself. 

I love what I do (I work in Human Resources and corporate training at a really hip tech company that does SEO and social media for small businesess online) and I love the people I work with. I’m learning a ton, I’m getting out of my comfort zone and I feel like I’m contributing to my team in meaningful ways. I have a new purpose in life with my job and don’t have time to sit and think about answers to dark questions.

Four. I focused in on an old hobby. It’s no secret that I’ve dabbled in photography for a long while, but back in my college days, I actually did a lot on the side. I kind of lost sight of my passion for photography when I started dealing with my ugly demons that I had been ignoring for a long time. But, back in January, Dustin spoiled me by getting me a new lens for my camera and several additional pieces of camera gear. I started experimenting again and before I knew it, I was finding myself behind the camera more and more.

It’s only May and I’ve already done more shoots in the last 4 months than I did the year before. I mean, two family sessions, three engagement shoots, AND two weddings, with two family portraits sessions on the schedule for this month?! I’m up to my eyes in editing and I’m not even mad. I still have a ton to learn, but I love what I’ve been able to do so far and can’t wait to see what the rest of the year holds for my photography gig.

Chelsie Caroline Photography: A snowy engagement shoot pose idea // Hey There, Chelsie

Senior Portrait fall pose idea // Hey There, Chelsie

Football engagement shoot pose idea // Hey There, Chelsie

Five. I am seeking professional help. Because there is really nothing wrong with that. In fact, I think half the reason why I started having issues with anxiety and survivor’s guilt in the first place (you know, besides the fact that something traumatic happened to me) was because I stopped seeing my psychologist. Well, it wasn’t really intentional- My psychologist moved to a different state and I didn’t pursue finding a new one because it was hard to think about talking to someone else after being with my psychologist for 4 years. Plus, I thought that the worst of it was behind me and that I didn’t need help anymore.

I was wrong. I actually may always need a little help, because cancer will always be a part of me and my life. And while I was really afraid and ashamed to admit that I needed help at first, I’m learning that there is no reason for those feelings. Something traumatic happened to me, and there is no guidebook to read on how to process it. So, going back to talk to someone is the next best thing. I am not ashamed of that anymore.


I guess my whole point in writing this post is to let anyone who might be dealing their scars (whatever they may be) that you don’t have to let them weigh you down. While I can never make mine disappear, I can figure out how to live with them. It’s not always easy (so don’t think that I’m saying it is.) It’s often ugly and I don’t always win the battle. But, I’m doing my best and I think, at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.

I am doing my best.

18 Comments · Written On:May 8, 2017

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ChelsChats: 2020 Life Update

Chelsie - Hey There Chelsie

Hey there, I’m Chelsie!

Pediatric Cancer Survivor, Infertility Warrior, and Jeep Enthusiast.

I healed my relationship with my body through makeup and clothes and found confidence in living a full and vibrant life through the process.

Whether we’re chatting style tips, makeup tricks, or strategies for personal growth, I’m here to help you find and embrace your inner vibrance.

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Today is my 32nd birthday and if there’s anythin Today is my 32nd birthday and if there’s anything I’ve learned in my last year that I want to take with me into this year, it’s this:

I make my own magic 🪄

I am capable of creating, crafting, and designing this next chapter of life to be whatever I want. Infertility cannot stop me anymore. And I can’t wait.

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #harrypotterworldorlando #birthdaywish #lifeafterinfertility #childlessnotbychoice #ttccommunity #lifeaftermiscarriage
Happy birthday to my ride-or-die and bff for life Happy birthday to my ride-or-die and bff for life @ericaligenza. To have her in your life means you have the most loyal, inspiring, and generous friend that you would ever ask for. I can’t believe that this little app brought us together (with our girl @blondeandambitiousblog) so many years ago. Grateful that they both turned out to be real people (lol) and women who have held me up during the hardest times of my adult life. 

Hope you have the best day, E! Counting down the days until we are together again! ❤️

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #friendsforkeeps #instagramfriends #marchbirthday #friendshipbracelets #bffgoals👭
We fix each other’s crowns instead of pointing o We fix each other’s crowns instead of pointing out they are crooked. 👑 

To the women to always have my back, who inspire me daily to level up, who cry with me, who cheer me on, who save a seat at the table for me, and who keep fighting the good fight - I love you. You keep my world vibrant, and keep me going on my hardest days. 

Happy International Women’s Day!

#womensmonth #internationalwomensday #girlganggoals #girlgangs #womenhelpingwomen #squad❤️
2021 felt like a dumpster fire that burned out of 2021 felt like a dumpster fire that burned out of control about 90% of the time. Between a cancer scare that resulted in countless scans and blood tests, failed infertility treatments that broke our hearts every time, no matter how much we tried not to get our hopes up, and then the devastating blow that I needed to have a total hysterectomy and thus ending any hopes we had of starting our family - I felt like my life and my hopes and my dreams for our future had been reduced to a pile of ash. 

It feels surreal, to be starting the new year feeling so grateful for where 2021 left me. For the first time in four years, I have energy, motivation, and can actually get out of bed without being in extreme pain. I can actually think beyond the next 24 hours and make plans that I can follow through on. My life doesn’t revolve around iron transfusions, cycle tracking, or the anxiety that comes with the two week wait. 

What’s been even more surreal is to be able to say that I have been finding more acceptance and purpose in our new childless future and life. If I can’t have the life I planned on, then I’m going to live the hell out of the life I have instead. Dustin and I are rebuilding our futures both separately and together, and for the first time in four years, I’m excited to see what comes next for us. I feel more steady in this new life and more sure of the path we’re on then ever before. 

For in order to rise from its own ashes, 
A phoenix must first burn. 

2021 burned me. 
So I’m 2022, I will rise. 

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #childlessnotbychoice #childlessafterinfertility #lifeafterinfertility #findingpurpose #ttccommunity #infertilityawareness #jamaicavacation #wordoftheyear #ttcsupport
Endlessly grateful for being 6 weeks post op from Endlessly grateful for being 6 weeks post op from my total hysterectomy and feeling more like myself than I have in over a year. And I’m endlessly grateful for this guy - who has been my rock through every doctor’s appointment, every procedure, and every day I couldn’t get out of bed. Not only that, he is the sweetest, most tender uncle to our nieces that I could ever hope or ask for to share our girls with.
Just grateful for my health and my love and the hope for better days.

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #ttccommunity #hysterectomy #hysterectomyrecovery #ttcjourney #husbandwife #ttcsupport #infertilitysucks
You are the keeper of all my secrets, the guardian You are the keeper of all my secrets, the guardian against all my fears, and the safe place I call home. 

Grateful to have you by my side as we walk into an unknown future that neither of us were prepared to face. But every day we walk further down our new road, I find more solid footing and more hope for what’s to come, because you keep me grounded through the waves of grief.

I love you. ❤️

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #hysterectomy #childlessnotbychoice #ttccommunity #childless #adenomyosis #ttcjourney #infertilityawareness
I’m officially three weeks post hysterectomy tod I’m officially three weeks post hysterectomy today and was feeling well enough to shoot the holiday campaign photos for @shopmscb (with the help from my partner in crime, @kenzie_peach)

In fact, I told my surgeon last week at my first post-op appointment that I’m actually feeling the best I’ve felt ALL year. And I mean, that’s saying something since I was only two weeks post-op then, right? 

Even though the decision to go through with the hysterectomy felt impossibly hard to make, I know now that I made the right choice for me, my sanity, and my body. I feel more like me in the last week than I have in over a year. It’s like I’m waking up from a long, painful, dark hibernation and my world is starting to fill with vibrant colors again.

And even though I’m still sad it had to come to this, I am also feeling excited for what’s to come.

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #hysterectomy #hysterectomyrecovery #childlessnotbychoice #ttccommunity #infertilityawareness #infertilitywarrior #ttccommunity
There’s been a little more laughter in our home There’s been a little more laughter in our home lately. Snuggles and kisses and staying up way too late watching Netflix. It’s like the worst is behind us and we’re on the other side of what we’ve been dreading and the darkness that has covered us for so long is starting to lift. It doesn’t mean we’re 100% okay, but we can feel the light and the hope for the future and we’re choosing to face it hand-in-hand, together. 

And every night, you whisper to me: “This isn’t your fault. You’re my best friend. I love you more today than ever before. We’re going to live a beautiful life together.” And every night, we grow a little bit closer and our hearts mend a little more, and I know deep in my bones, that we’re going to be okay.

I love you, Dustin.

#ttccommunity #ttcjourney #hysterectomy #childfreenotbychoice #childfreeafterinfertility #infertilityawareness #infertilitysucks #healingafterinfertility

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Today is my 32nd birthday and if there’s anythin Today is my 32nd birthday and if there’s anything I’ve learned in my last year that I want to take with me into this year, it’s this:

I make my own magic 🪄

I am capable of creating, crafting, and designing this next chapter of life to be whatever I want. Infertility cannot stop me anymore. And I can’t wait.

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #harrypotterworldorlando #birthdaywish #lifeafterinfertility #childlessnotbychoice #ttccommunity #lifeaftermiscarriage
Happy birthday to my ride-or-die and bff for life Happy birthday to my ride-or-die and bff for life @ericaligenza. To have her in your life means you have the most loyal, inspiring, and generous friend that you would ever ask for. I can’t believe that this little app brought us together (with our girl @blondeandambitiousblog) so many years ago. Grateful that they both turned out to be real people (lol) and women who have held me up during the hardest times of my adult life. 

Hope you have the best day, E! Counting down the days until we are together again! ❤️

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #friendsforkeeps #instagramfriends #marchbirthday #friendshipbracelets #bffgoals👭
We fix each other’s crowns instead of pointing o We fix each other’s crowns instead of pointing out they are crooked. 👑 

To the women to always have my back, who inspire me daily to level up, who cry with me, who cheer me on, who save a seat at the table for me, and who keep fighting the good fight - I love you. You keep my world vibrant, and keep me going on my hardest days. 

Happy International Women’s Day!

#womensmonth #internationalwomensday #girlganggoals #girlgangs #womenhelpingwomen #squad❤️
2021 felt like a dumpster fire that burned out of 2021 felt like a dumpster fire that burned out of control about 90% of the time. Between a cancer scare that resulted in countless scans and blood tests, failed infertility treatments that broke our hearts every time, no matter how much we tried not to get our hopes up, and then the devastating blow that I needed to have a total hysterectomy and thus ending any hopes we had of starting our family - I felt like my life and my hopes and my dreams for our future had been reduced to a pile of ash. 

It feels surreal, to be starting the new year feeling so grateful for where 2021 left me. For the first time in four years, I have energy, motivation, and can actually get out of bed without being in extreme pain. I can actually think beyond the next 24 hours and make plans that I can follow through on. My life doesn’t revolve around iron transfusions, cycle tracking, or the anxiety that comes with the two week wait. 

What’s been even more surreal is to be able to say that I have been finding more acceptance and purpose in our new childless future and life. If I can’t have the life I planned on, then I’m going to live the hell out of the life I have instead. Dustin and I are rebuilding our futures both separately and together, and for the first time in four years, I’m excited to see what comes next for us. I feel more steady in this new life and more sure of the path we’re on then ever before. 

For in order to rise from its own ashes, 
A phoenix must first burn. 

2021 burned me. 
So I’m 2022, I will rise. 

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #childlessnotbychoice #childlessafterinfertility #lifeafterinfertility #findingpurpose #ttccommunity #infertilityawareness #jamaicavacation #wordoftheyear #ttcsupport
Endlessly grateful for being 6 weeks post op from Endlessly grateful for being 6 weeks post op from my total hysterectomy and feeling more like myself than I have in over a year. And I’m endlessly grateful for this guy - who has been my rock through every doctor’s appointment, every procedure, and every day I couldn’t get out of bed. Not only that, he is the sweetest, most tender uncle to our nieces that I could ever hope or ask for to share our girls with.
Just grateful for my health and my love and the hope for better days.

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #ttccommunity #hysterectomy #hysterectomyrecovery #ttcjourney #husbandwife #ttcsupport #infertilitysucks
You are the keeper of all my secrets, the guardian You are the keeper of all my secrets, the guardian against all my fears, and the safe place I call home. 

Grateful to have you by my side as we walk into an unknown future that neither of us were prepared to face. But every day we walk further down our new road, I find more solid footing and more hope for what’s to come, because you keep me grounded through the waves of grief.

I love you. ❤️

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #hysterectomy #childlessnotbychoice #ttccommunity #childless #adenomyosis #ttcjourney #infertilityawareness
I’m officially three weeks post hysterectomy tod I’m officially three weeks post hysterectomy today and was feeling well enough to shoot the holiday campaign photos for @shopmscb (with the help from my partner in crime, @kenzie_peach)

In fact, I told my surgeon last week at my first post-op appointment that I’m actually feeling the best I’ve felt ALL year. And I mean, that’s saying something since I was only two weeks post-op then, right? 

Even though the decision to go through with the hysterectomy felt impossibly hard to make, I know now that I made the right choice for me, my sanity, and my body. I feel more like me in the last week than I have in over a year. It’s like I’m waking up from a long, painful, dark hibernation and my world is starting to fill with vibrant colors again.

And even though I’m still sad it had to come to this, I am also feeling excited for what’s to come.

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #hysterectomy #hysterectomyrecovery #childlessnotbychoice #ttccommunity #infertilityawareness #infertilitywarrior #ttccommunity
There’s been a little more laughter in our home There’s been a little more laughter in our home lately. Snuggles and kisses and staying up way too late watching Netflix. It’s like the worst is behind us and we’re on the other side of what we’ve been dreading and the darkness that has covered us for so long is starting to lift. It doesn’t mean we’re 100% okay, but we can feel the light and the hope for the future and we’re choosing to face it hand-in-hand, together. 

And every night, you whisper to me: “This isn’t your fault. You’re my best friend. I love you more today than ever before. We’re going to live a beautiful life together.” And every night, we grow a little bit closer and our hearts mend a little more, and I know deep in my bones, that we’re going to be okay.

I love you, Dustin.

#ttccommunity #ttcjourney #hysterectomy #childfreenotbychoice #childfreeafterinfertility #infertilityawareness #infertilitysucks #healingafterinfertility

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