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Today is my 32nd birthday and if there’s anythin Today is my 32nd birthday and if there’s anything I’ve learned in my last year that I want to take with me into this year, it’s this:

I make my own magic 🪄

I am capable of creating, crafting, and designing this next chapter of life to be whatever I want. Infertility cannot stop me anymore. And I can’t wait.

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #harrypotterworldorlando #birthdaywish #lifeafterinfertility #childlessnotbychoice #ttccommunity #lifeaftermiscarriage
Happy birthday to my ride-or-die and bff for life Happy birthday to my ride-or-die and bff for life @ericaligenza. To have her in your life means you have the most loyal, inspiring, and generous friend that you would ever ask for. I can’t believe that this little app brought us together (with our girl @blondeandambitiousblog) so many years ago. Grateful that they both turned out to be real people (lol) and women who have held me up during the hardest times of my adult life. 

Hope you have the best day, E! Counting down the days until we are together again! ❤️

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #friendsforkeeps #instagramfriends #marchbirthday #friendshipbracelets #bffgoals👭
We fix each other’s crowns instead of pointing o We fix each other’s crowns instead of pointing out they are crooked. 👑 

To the women to always have my back, who inspire me daily to level up, who cry with me, who cheer me on, who save a seat at the table for me, and who keep fighting the good fight - I love you. You keep my world vibrant, and keep me going on my hardest days. 

Happy International Women’s Day!

#womensmonth #internationalwomensday #girlganggoals #girlgangs #womenhelpingwomen #squad❤️
2021 felt like a dumpster fire that burned out of 2021 felt like a dumpster fire that burned out of control about 90% of the time. Between a cancer scare that resulted in countless scans and blood tests, failed infertility treatments that broke our hearts every time, no matter how much we tried not to get our hopes up, and then the devastating blow that I needed to have a total hysterectomy and thus ending any hopes we had of starting our family - I felt like my life and my hopes and my dreams for our future had been reduced to a pile of ash. 

It feels surreal, to be starting the new year feeling so grateful for where 2021 left me. For the first time in four years, I have energy, motivation, and can actually get out of bed without being in extreme pain. I can actually think beyond the next 24 hours and make plans that I can follow through on. My life doesn’t revolve around iron transfusions, cycle tracking, or the anxiety that comes with the two week wait. 

What’s been even more surreal is to be able to say that I have been finding more acceptance and purpose in our new childless future and life. If I can’t have the life I planned on, then I’m going to live the hell out of the life I have instead. Dustin and I are rebuilding our futures both separately and together, and for the first time in four years, I’m excited to see what comes next for us. I feel more steady in this new life and more sure of the path we’re on then ever before. 

For in order to rise from its own ashes, 
A phoenix must first burn. 

2021 burned me. 
So I’m 2022, I will rise. 

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #childlessnotbychoice #childlessafterinfertility #lifeafterinfertility #findingpurpose #ttccommunity #infertilityawareness #jamaicavacation #wordoftheyear #ttcsupport
Endlessly grateful for being 6 weeks post op from Endlessly grateful for being 6 weeks post op from my total hysterectomy and feeling more like myself than I have in over a year. And I’m endlessly grateful for this guy - who has been my rock through every doctor’s appointment, every procedure, and every day I couldn’t get out of bed. Not only that, he is the sweetest, most tender uncle to our nieces that I could ever hope or ask for to share our girls with.
Just grateful for my health and my love and the hope for better days.

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #ttccommunity #hysterectomy #hysterectomyrecovery #ttcjourney #husbandwife #ttcsupport #infertilitysucks
You are the keeper of all my secrets, the guardian You are the keeper of all my secrets, the guardian against all my fears, and the safe place I call home. 

Grateful to have you by my side as we walk into an unknown future that neither of us were prepared to face. But every day we walk further down our new road, I find more solid footing and more hope for what’s to come, because you keep me grounded through the waves of grief.

I love you. ❤️

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #hysterectomy #childlessnotbychoice #ttccommunity #childless #adenomyosis #ttcjourney #infertilityawareness
I’m officially three weeks post hysterectomy tod I’m officially three weeks post hysterectomy today and was feeling well enough to shoot the holiday campaign photos for @shopmscb (with the help from my partner in crime, @kenzie_peach)

In fact, I told my surgeon last week at my first post-op appointment that I’m actually feeling the best I’ve felt ALL year. And I mean, that’s saying something since I was only two weeks post-op then, right? 

Even though the decision to go through with the hysterectomy felt impossibly hard to make, I know now that I made the right choice for me, my sanity, and my body. I feel more like me in the last week than I have in over a year. It’s like I’m waking up from a long, painful, dark hibernation and my world is starting to fill with vibrant colors again.

And even though I’m still sad it had to come to this, I am also feeling excited for what’s to come.

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #hysterectomy #hysterectomyrecovery #childlessnotbychoice #ttccommunity #infertilityawareness #infertilitywarrior #ttccommunity
There’s been a little more laughter in our home There’s been a little more laughter in our home lately. Snuggles and kisses and staying up way too late watching Netflix. It’s like the worst is behind us and we’re on the other side of what we’ve been dreading and the darkness that has covered us for so long is starting to lift. It doesn’t mean we’re 100% okay, but we can feel the light and the hope for the future and we’re choosing to face it hand-in-hand, together. 

And every night, you whisper to me: “This isn’t your fault. You’re my best friend. I love you more today than ever before. We’re going to live a beautiful life together.” And every night, we grow a little bit closer and our hearts mend a little more, and I know deep in my bones, that we’re going to be okay.

I love you, Dustin.

#ttccommunity #ttcjourney #hysterectomy #childfreenotbychoice #childfreeafterinfertility #infertilityawareness #infertilitysucks #healingafterinfertility

Hey There, Chelsie

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Cancer

Life After Cancer: Anxiety & Survivor’s Guilt

I’ve been debating sharing this post for the last week because it’s super personal and it’s raw and real and not entirely happy. However, it’s been very therapeutic for me to write this out and after reading this post from Summer, I realized that I could be brave, too, and share what’s been happening in my life lately.

Life After Cancer: Anxiety & Survivor's Guilt // Life with Rosie

Two weeks ago, I went down to Boston to see my Oncology team at Dana Farber (If you’re new here and need some catching up on my story, you can read about my cancer here, here, here and here). I had various tests, scans, x-rays and blood work done to check on my remission status. And I was officially declared 9 years in remission. My doctor said when I hit 10 years, I will officially be considered “cured.” And although that news is wonderful, there is a lot of things that have transpired during that day that makes it all bittersweet.

When I walked out of the hospital from my last dose of chemotherapy back in 2006, I was ready to never look back. I wanted to get my life back, to get back to normal high school drama and worry about what I was going to wear. I walked out of Boston Children’s Hospital, grateful to be alive and planning on never looking back. For the next few years, cancer was still very much a part of my life in the way that I still had health issues and more knee surgeries, but I dubbed them as “knee problems” and not “cancer problems.” As far as I was concerned, I was ready for my life after cancer.

P393403_display

But that’s the thing with cancer. It’s something you never get to leave behind.

Over the last two years, things started to change for me with how I was dealing with my life post cancer. I got my degree, I got married and all of a sudden, there wasn’t a “next” for me; nothing to really be working towards. And I found myself starting to look back at cancer and all of a sudden, I started to feel things, process things and, I guess in a way, accept what has happened to me. And it’s been messy.

I have never allowed myself to fully mourn what cancer took away from me. I have had frustrations about my leg, and anger at being fatigued, but I have never fully grieved for myself. I mean, I lost out on my teenage years. I lost a perfectly good left leg, that could take me up and down stairs, on a jog, on a hike. I lost a left leg that could take a trip, a stumble or a fall and get back up. I lost my energy and my capacity to get through the day without feeling like I was going to drop to the ground. And, I just found out that I have lost the ability to have a normal pregnancy (when having children becomes part of our future) because the chemo used to treat my cancer causes thinning of the heart walls, which can lead to complications during pregnancy. Any pregnancy will be considered high risk and will be need to be monitored closely. And recently, I’ve lost my ability to be brave. I am petrified, all of the time, that my cancer will come back for me. Every weird bruise, bump or cough gives me anxiety, which has turned into an ugly monster that rears it’s head over the tiniest little “what-if”. I have begun to relive the trauma that happened to me during 2006; the sickness, the pain and the emotional damage that cancer left me with .

I know, I know, I should be happy and grateful to have my life, and I know that I am lucky to be alive. But, when you watch 17 children on your floor pass away throughout the year of your fight; when you lose your hospital roommates and the little 8-year-olds who became your sisters; it can be hard at times to be happy about surviving. Survivor’s guilt is real and it is painful and there are some days where I feel like it’s going to eat me up whole. Every time I get another clean bill of health, every time my remission is solidified, I get a great sense of relief and then a great, overwhelming sense of sorrow for my friends who will never hear the word “remission.”

P393409_display

Cancer has left holes in my body and holes in my heart. I am so sad for the things that were taken from me; that cancer stole; for the constant, daily, every-step-I-take reminder of what happened to me. And I’m realizing that it is okay to be sad about these things; that I can be grateful to be alive and that I can grieve for the things my life will never be. I can continue to hope for continued remission and I can continue to feel the guilt for my friends who will never be there with me. If you know someone who has survived cancer, I want you to know that there is so much more that comes with beating it. There is joy, but there is sorrow and grief and guilt. There is gratitude and there is courage, but there is fear and there is trauma. It’s a complex range of emotions that no survivor is told about or knows to prepare for.

I’m doing the best that I can with what I was dealt with. I know my life is beautiful. I have much to be grateful for. But I’m learning that being a cancer survivor is so much more than beating cancer that one time in 2006. I survive cancer and all of its messy glory every. dang. day. And I’m giving myself permission to grieve about that.

P713387_display

And yes, I am in the process of getting some help to work through these new emotions and anxieties. I will not go down without a fight.

That’s where I’ve been at lately. How are you today?

 

 

99 Comments · Written On:August 24, 2015

Chelsie - Hey There Chelsie

Hey there, I’m Chelsie!

Pediatric Cancer Survivor, Infertility Warrior, and Jeep Enthusiast.

I healed my relationship with my body through makeup and clothes and found confidence in living a full and vibrant life through the process.

Whether we’re chatting style tips, makeup tricks, or strategies for personal growth, I’m here to help you find and embrace your inner vibrance.

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Today is my 32nd birthday and if there’s anythin Today is my 32nd birthday and if there’s anything I’ve learned in my last year that I want to take with me into this year, it’s this:

I make my own magic 🪄

I am capable of creating, crafting, and designing this next chapter of life to be whatever I want. Infertility cannot stop me anymore. And I can’t wait.

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #harrypotterworldorlando #birthdaywish #lifeafterinfertility #childlessnotbychoice #ttccommunity #lifeaftermiscarriage
Happy birthday to my ride-or-die and bff for life Happy birthday to my ride-or-die and bff for life @ericaligenza. To have her in your life means you have the most loyal, inspiring, and generous friend that you would ever ask for. I can’t believe that this little app brought us together (with our girl @blondeandambitiousblog) so many years ago. Grateful that they both turned out to be real people (lol) and women who have held me up during the hardest times of my adult life. 

Hope you have the best day, E! Counting down the days until we are together again! ❤️

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #friendsforkeeps #instagramfriends #marchbirthday #friendshipbracelets #bffgoals👭
We fix each other’s crowns instead of pointing o We fix each other’s crowns instead of pointing out they are crooked. 👑 

To the women to always have my back, who inspire me daily to level up, who cry with me, who cheer me on, who save a seat at the table for me, and who keep fighting the good fight - I love you. You keep my world vibrant, and keep me going on my hardest days. 

Happy International Women’s Day!

#womensmonth #internationalwomensday #girlganggoals #girlgangs #womenhelpingwomen #squad❤️
2021 felt like a dumpster fire that burned out of 2021 felt like a dumpster fire that burned out of control about 90% of the time. Between a cancer scare that resulted in countless scans and blood tests, failed infertility treatments that broke our hearts every time, no matter how much we tried not to get our hopes up, and then the devastating blow that I needed to have a total hysterectomy and thus ending any hopes we had of starting our family - I felt like my life and my hopes and my dreams for our future had been reduced to a pile of ash. 

It feels surreal, to be starting the new year feeling so grateful for where 2021 left me. For the first time in four years, I have energy, motivation, and can actually get out of bed without being in extreme pain. I can actually think beyond the next 24 hours and make plans that I can follow through on. My life doesn’t revolve around iron transfusions, cycle tracking, or the anxiety that comes with the two week wait. 

What’s been even more surreal is to be able to say that I have been finding more acceptance and purpose in our new childless future and life. If I can’t have the life I planned on, then I’m going to live the hell out of the life I have instead. Dustin and I are rebuilding our futures both separately and together, and for the first time in four years, I’m excited to see what comes next for us. I feel more steady in this new life and more sure of the path we’re on then ever before. 

For in order to rise from its own ashes, 
A phoenix must first burn. 

2021 burned me. 
So I’m 2022, I will rise. 

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #childlessnotbychoice #childlessafterinfertility #lifeafterinfertility #findingpurpose #ttccommunity #infertilityawareness #jamaicavacation #wordoftheyear #ttcsupport
Endlessly grateful for being 6 weeks post op from Endlessly grateful for being 6 weeks post op from my total hysterectomy and feeling more like myself than I have in over a year. And I’m endlessly grateful for this guy - who has been my rock through every doctor’s appointment, every procedure, and every day I couldn’t get out of bed. Not only that, he is the sweetest, most tender uncle to our nieces that I could ever hope or ask for to share our girls with.
Just grateful for my health and my love and the hope for better days.

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #ttccommunity #hysterectomy #hysterectomyrecovery #ttcjourney #husbandwife #ttcsupport #infertilitysucks
You are the keeper of all my secrets, the guardian You are the keeper of all my secrets, the guardian against all my fears, and the safe place I call home. 

Grateful to have you by my side as we walk into an unknown future that neither of us were prepared to face. But every day we walk further down our new road, I find more solid footing and more hope for what’s to come, because you keep me grounded through the waves of grief.

I love you. ❤️

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #hysterectomy #childlessnotbychoice #ttccommunity #childless #adenomyosis #ttcjourney #infertilityawareness
I’m officially three weeks post hysterectomy tod I’m officially three weeks post hysterectomy today and was feeling well enough to shoot the holiday campaign photos for @shopmscb (with the help from my partner in crime, @kenzie_peach)

In fact, I told my surgeon last week at my first post-op appointment that I’m actually feeling the best I’ve felt ALL year. And I mean, that’s saying something since I was only two weeks post-op then, right? 

Even though the decision to go through with the hysterectomy felt impossibly hard to make, I know now that I made the right choice for me, my sanity, and my body. I feel more like me in the last week than I have in over a year. It’s like I’m waking up from a long, painful, dark hibernation and my world is starting to fill with vibrant colors again.

And even though I’m still sad it had to come to this, I am also feeling excited for what’s to come.

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #hysterectomy #hysterectomyrecovery #childlessnotbychoice #ttccommunity #infertilityawareness #infertilitywarrior #ttccommunity
There’s been a little more laughter in our home There’s been a little more laughter in our home lately. Snuggles and kisses and staying up way too late watching Netflix. It’s like the worst is behind us and we’re on the other side of what we’ve been dreading and the darkness that has covered us for so long is starting to lift. It doesn’t mean we’re 100% okay, but we can feel the light and the hope for the future and we’re choosing to face it hand-in-hand, together. 

And every night, you whisper to me: “This isn’t your fault. You’re my best friend. I love you more today than ever before. We’re going to live a beautiful life together.” And every night, we grow a little bit closer and our hearts mend a little more, and I know deep in my bones, that we’re going to be okay.

I love you, Dustin.

#ttccommunity #ttcjourney #hysterectomy #childfreenotbychoice #childfreeafterinfertility #infertilityawareness #infertilitysucks #healingafterinfertility

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Today is my 32nd birthday and if there’s anythin Today is my 32nd birthday and if there’s anything I’ve learned in my last year that I want to take with me into this year, it’s this:

I make my own magic 🪄

I am capable of creating, crafting, and designing this next chapter of life to be whatever I want. Infertility cannot stop me anymore. And I can’t wait.

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #harrypotterworldorlando #birthdaywish #lifeafterinfertility #childlessnotbychoice #ttccommunity #lifeaftermiscarriage
Happy birthday to my ride-or-die and bff for life Happy birthday to my ride-or-die and bff for life @ericaligenza. To have her in your life means you have the most loyal, inspiring, and generous friend that you would ever ask for. I can’t believe that this little app brought us together (with our girl @blondeandambitiousblog) so many years ago. Grateful that they both turned out to be real people (lol) and women who have held me up during the hardest times of my adult life. 

Hope you have the best day, E! Counting down the days until we are together again! ❤️

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #friendsforkeeps #instagramfriends #marchbirthday #friendshipbracelets #bffgoals👭
We fix each other’s crowns instead of pointing o We fix each other’s crowns instead of pointing out they are crooked. 👑 

To the women to always have my back, who inspire me daily to level up, who cry with me, who cheer me on, who save a seat at the table for me, and who keep fighting the good fight - I love you. You keep my world vibrant, and keep me going on my hardest days. 

Happy International Women’s Day!

#womensmonth #internationalwomensday #girlganggoals #girlgangs #womenhelpingwomen #squad❤️
2021 felt like a dumpster fire that burned out of 2021 felt like a dumpster fire that burned out of control about 90% of the time. Between a cancer scare that resulted in countless scans and blood tests, failed infertility treatments that broke our hearts every time, no matter how much we tried not to get our hopes up, and then the devastating blow that I needed to have a total hysterectomy and thus ending any hopes we had of starting our family - I felt like my life and my hopes and my dreams for our future had been reduced to a pile of ash. 

It feels surreal, to be starting the new year feeling so grateful for where 2021 left me. For the first time in four years, I have energy, motivation, and can actually get out of bed without being in extreme pain. I can actually think beyond the next 24 hours and make plans that I can follow through on. My life doesn’t revolve around iron transfusions, cycle tracking, or the anxiety that comes with the two week wait. 

What’s been even more surreal is to be able to say that I have been finding more acceptance and purpose in our new childless future and life. If I can’t have the life I planned on, then I’m going to live the hell out of the life I have instead. Dustin and I are rebuilding our futures both separately and together, and for the first time in four years, I’m excited to see what comes next for us. I feel more steady in this new life and more sure of the path we’re on then ever before. 

For in order to rise from its own ashes, 
A phoenix must first burn. 

2021 burned me. 
So I’m 2022, I will rise. 

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #childlessnotbychoice #childlessafterinfertility #lifeafterinfertility #findingpurpose #ttccommunity #infertilityawareness #jamaicavacation #wordoftheyear #ttcsupport
Endlessly grateful for being 6 weeks post op from Endlessly grateful for being 6 weeks post op from my total hysterectomy and feeling more like myself than I have in over a year. And I’m endlessly grateful for this guy - who has been my rock through every doctor’s appointment, every procedure, and every day I couldn’t get out of bed. Not only that, he is the sweetest, most tender uncle to our nieces that I could ever hope or ask for to share our girls with.
Just grateful for my health and my love and the hope for better days.

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #ttccommunity #hysterectomy #hysterectomyrecovery #ttcjourney #husbandwife #ttcsupport #infertilitysucks
You are the keeper of all my secrets, the guardian You are the keeper of all my secrets, the guardian against all my fears, and the safe place I call home. 

Grateful to have you by my side as we walk into an unknown future that neither of us were prepared to face. But every day we walk further down our new road, I find more solid footing and more hope for what’s to come, because you keep me grounded through the waves of grief.

I love you. ❤️

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #hysterectomy #childlessnotbychoice #ttccommunity #childless #adenomyosis #ttcjourney #infertilityawareness
I’m officially three weeks post hysterectomy tod I’m officially three weeks post hysterectomy today and was feeling well enough to shoot the holiday campaign photos for @shopmscb (with the help from my partner in crime, @kenzie_peach)

In fact, I told my surgeon last week at my first post-op appointment that I’m actually feeling the best I’ve felt ALL year. And I mean, that’s saying something since I was only two weeks post-op then, right? 

Even though the decision to go through with the hysterectomy felt impossibly hard to make, I know now that I made the right choice for me, my sanity, and my body. I feel more like me in the last week than I have in over a year. It’s like I’m waking up from a long, painful, dark hibernation and my world is starting to fill with vibrant colors again.

And even though I’m still sad it had to come to this, I am also feeling excited for what’s to come.

#heytherechelsie #myvibrantlife #hysterectomy #hysterectomyrecovery #childlessnotbychoice #ttccommunity #infertilityawareness #infertilitywarrior #ttccommunity
There’s been a little more laughter in our home There’s been a little more laughter in our home lately. Snuggles and kisses and staying up way too late watching Netflix. It’s like the worst is behind us and we’re on the other side of what we’ve been dreading and the darkness that has covered us for so long is starting to lift. It doesn’t mean we’re 100% okay, but we can feel the light and the hope for the future and we’re choosing to face it hand-in-hand, together. 

And every night, you whisper to me: “This isn’t your fault. You’re my best friend. I love you more today than ever before. We’re going to live a beautiful life together.” And every night, we grow a little bit closer and our hearts mend a little more, and I know deep in my bones, that we’re going to be okay.

I love you, Dustin.

#ttccommunity #ttcjourney #hysterectomy #childfreenotbychoice #childfreeafterinfertility #infertilityawareness #infertilitysucks #healingafterinfertility

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