I’ve been Afraid of my Blog (and How I’m Combatting that)
It’s been an interesting week, to say the least. Last time we chatted, I told you all about Dustin’s new job offer and how excited we were for him to get back to chasing a career in software sales. He started on Monday and so far, it’s been everything we wanted it to be and more. What I didn’t say was how I accepted a part time receptionist job at a nail salon and then backed out a week before I was supposed to start. I guess I just don’t know whether I’m coming or going and I’ve been a bit confused these last couple weeks about what I want in life.
What do I want to achieve?
Dustin keeps asking me that question: What do you want to achieve in life? I know he’s asking me because he wants to support me and be on the same page as me. He’s pretty great like that. The thing is: I haven’t had an answer for quite a while, for a couple of reasons. One: I had a mid-life crisis at the age of 24 when I graduated with a degree in education and realized that I didn’t want to pursue a career with it and two: we’ve been moving around so much in the last two years, that I haven’t had the time to really look into anything else. I’ve always had my blog during that time and it’s been my safe haven and my saving grace, but now that it looks like we’re going to be staying in one place for a while, I’ve been really struggling with that question: what do I want to achieve in life? What’s next for me?
When we first got to Utah, I decided I wanted a job. Something part time, I told myself, something to get me out of the house and help me make some friends. An opportunity fell right into my lap, I went and interviewed for it, got offered the job right on the spot and walked out dazed and confused. The job seemed to be perfect, minus the requirement to work 3 Saturdays a month. The hours were great, the perks were fun and it was literally right across the street from my new apartment. So, why was I feeling so anxious and carrying a huge knot in my stomach all of a sudden? I realized that maybe I DIDN’T want a job after all. That a job might mean putting my blog on the back burner. That a job meant giving up something I’ve loved for the last year: working for myself and working from home. But as I realized that maybe I didn’t want the job after all, I got anxious about giving the opportunity up.
What was my deal?
So I’ve hard to really sit down and take a look at myself. Why was I all of a sudden feeling all this anxiety about getting a job or not getting a job? What was I really looking for? What was really the root of the problem? I’ve been a full-time blogger for over a year now and it’s been everything and more. I get to work from home, I get to hang out with Rosie, I get to write and connect with other people and create strong friendships with people across the world. Why was I all of a sudden turning my back on my dream job?
I’ve known why all along, I’ve just been too afraid to face it:
It’s because this job is hard.
It’s because I doubt myself and my abilities.
It’s because I don’t know what I’m doing 90% of the time.
It’s because I’m afraid of failing.
Accepting my fears
Guys, I’m terrified to be a full-time blogger. I never grew up with aspirations to be an entrepreneur or to be in charge of my own job and income. So, finding myself in that position scares me senseless about 3 times a day. I’m scared to disappoint my husband. I’m frustrated that I just don’t know what I’m doing half the time and can’t seem to break out of the patterns I’m in. I’m scared that I just can’t get a system down that helps me grow or be more successful. I’m frustrated that all the things people are telling me to do to be successful aren’t things that feel right to me as a person. And mostly, I’m afraid of working so hard and failing that I can’t bring myself to put 100% into my blog in the first place.
And that’s the awful truth: I’m not trying 100%. I’m not giving it my all. And if I’m going to find joy in my journey and let go of my anxieties, I have to try. I have to try with everything I’ve got. After all, the only time I’ll truly fail is if I stop trying.
So instead of talking back and forth about finding a part time job or spending half my day in bed, watching Netflix, I’m going to manifest this to the universe right now:
My name is Chelsie and I’m living a second-chance life. I am going to place my faith in myself above my fears and I’m going to chase my dreams as hard. I will live as vibrantly and as fully as possible, with all the effort I can muster.
So, I’m going to come up with a plan. I’m going to sit down and REALLY hash out a strategy and put all my efforts into it. I’m going to try as hard as I can for the next three months. And then, I’ll take a step back and be proud because I’ll know I tried my hardest.
So, here are three things I’m going to start implementing TODAY (among other things) to combat my fear and to help me put all my efforts into being successful:
Baby Steps: What I’m Going to Do:
1. Take Rosie for a walk/to the park every afternoon – I’ve learned that I usually need a mid-afternoon break after being glued to my screen all morning. I usually opt for a show on Netflix, but I can never turn it off after just one. So, I’m making a rule: No Netflix until after 3:00 PM, and take my break by getting OUTSIDE, away from the screens and spend some time with my pup.
2. Do a 15 minute clean up before settling into work in the morning – Since I work from home, my apartment is my work environment. I can get very distracted when I know that there are dishes in the sink or clothes to be put away. I can’t focus as well on my work and I’ll go work on a chore and before I know it, I’ve spent an hour deep cleaning! I started setting a timer for 15 minutes and clean up/organize everything I can during that time. Turns out, I get a lot done in 15 minutes and then I don’t have to worry about it throughout the day!
3. Get dressed every day – I love hanging out in my comfty-cozies, but I don’t take myself as seriously if I’m not dressed for the day. It’s so much easier to curl up on my bed or couch and aimlessly scroll through my phone instead of actually working on important work! Taking the time to get up, get dressed in something I feel good in and investing time in taking care of myself helps me get in the right mindset. It helps me put my best foot forward for the whole day.
The Happiness Boutique recently sent me their Gem Filled statement necklace to style, and it’s been one of my favorite pieces to wear recently. The quality of their statement necklaces are as high as they come; the metal has a great weight to it and it doesn’t feel cheap or plasticy at all. I love the intricate details in the necklace and I love the color combination because it’s not something you see a lot of. Basically, this necklace has become my “boss mode” necklace because I feel so powerful and bad-a when I wear it. It’s a lot easier for me to be productive and to feel like a blog boss when I dress like one!
I’m learning about myself every day through this blog and this journey (another post for another time, perhaps) but this week, I think I’ve learned that it’s okay to be afraid to fail. It’s what you do with that fear that matters. Do you let it fuel your fight? Or do you let it drown your dreams? I’m not afraid to admit that I’ve been barely keeping my head above water lately. And if I am going to drown, I’ll go down swinging.
If you’re in the same position as me (whether you are a blogger or not,) know you are not alone. But also know that I’m here, cheering you on and encouraging you to try your hardest. Regardless of the outcome, we’ll know that we did our best and that is all that matters.
Tell me where you are at in regards to what you want to achieve in life in the comments below and manifest it to the universe about how you’re going to get there!